Children & Pet Loss

Children often have strong emotional attachments to their family pets, they may share in care giving responsibilities, and consider their pets to be very special friends indeed.

Adults will instinctively want to protect their children as much as possible when a family pet dies. By trying to protect children from experiences with death, adults deny them their opportunity to learn how to handle feelings of loss. When children are shielded from an adult's expression of grief, they are then denied the role models that are necessary for them to learn normal, healthy coping behaviors. Actually, the death of a beloved family pet may be the opportunity to teach children how to deal with grief and to prepare them to possibly face other losses in life.

Assessing a Childs Needs Following Pet Loss

Each child is unique and how children deal with pet loss depends on several factors;

1. The child's age and level of cognitive and emotional maturity.
2. The role the pet played in the child's life.
3. Other events currently taking place in the child's life.
4. The role the child played (if any) in the pet's death.
5. The child's personal loss history.
6. The child's ability to cope with crisis.
7. The circumstances surrounding the pet's death.
8. The parent's confidence in assisting the child with loss and grief and the quality and availability of other means of support.

Infants

Most babies up to 2 years of age can sense when stress levels start to escalate in families, however, they are not aware of the cause of the tension. Babies tend to demonstrate their dissatisfaction with high stress levels by crying, whining, clinging, withdrawing, and/or regressing. Although parents can talk to babies about pet loss, infants are not capable of truly comprehending death. They may best be reassured by hugs, cuddling, and special time devoted to them. Keeping routines as normal as possible helps.

Toddlers and Pre-Schoolers

2-4 years of age understand that pet loss is a significant family event, but they may not realize that death is permanent. They will miss their furry friend and will probably ask lots of questions. They are actually more relaxed and curious about death than other children. Some young children explore death through play. They may draw pictures, possibly bury their stuffed animals. These activities may seem weird to us adults, they are normal, healthy responses and actually should be encouraged. If members of this age group are not encouraged to express their confusion, fear and/or their sadness about death through play or open displays of emotion or by using their developing language skills, they may tend to vent their emotions by "acting out". Acting out is actually a child's way of releasing their feelings of pain, distress, and anxiety when they may not have other, more positive vehicles for expression. Acting out behaviors may include hitting, kicking, biting, throwing tantrums, and intentionally breaking rules. They may also develop symptoms of separation anxiety such as clinging to you or possibly withdrawal from normal activities or even psychosomatic complaints, which could be stomach aches, sore throats, fatigue, etc. Changes in children's personalities, daily habits, social lives, and behaviors may indicate that more positive vehicles for expression of grief are needed.

Young school age children, ages 5-8 years old

These children may be less willing than younger children to talk about death. They will often personify death, possibly thinking of it as the Grim Reaper, the Dark Angel, or in a monster like form. Young school age children believe the world revolves around them and is, for the most part, under their control. They are sometimes unable to separate reality from fantasy. When death does occur, it is common for children to feel they may be somehow responsible. They may believe that any negative thought they had about their pet caused him/her to die. Their beliefs are sometimes confused by the television programs they may watch. Cartoon characters are flattened, get up, walk again. Hero figures perform amazing feats to avoid death. Death appears to be reversible. Young school age children may discuss death in morbid detail with friends and possibly make up elaborate stories to embellish the experience. Regressive behaviors such as bed wetting, or thumb sucking, may also occur as a child grieves. They may also have problems in school, parents are encouraged to tell teachers and other significant adults in supporting children during their grief process. When a pet dies, it is important that children have opportunities to talk about their pet and be able to ask questions about death. It is also helpful for parents to recognize that for children in this age group, grief may not appear as "consuming" as it is for adults. Children may easily move back and forth between normal interactions and expressions of sadness and grief. This is quite common and normal with children of this age group.

Older school age children

Older school age children, ages 9-12 years of age, know death is irreversible and that it eventually happens to everyone. They are also capable of sustaining very intense periods of grief and may become pre-occupied with a loss, especially if they have ever had feelings of some sort of abandonment or rejection. For children of this age, a pet's death can trigger memories of previous losses. Just like some of the younger children, older school age children may ask disturbing questions about death. Honest answers should be given. Some suggestions include being allowed to view the animals body, helping to dig the grave, visiting a crematorium and participation in a goodbye or memorial service as well as heart to heart talks with others who care.

Adolescents, 13-17 years of age

Adolescents, 13-17 years or age, can be very self conscious and over emotional. Their feelings and thought processes can often be very contradictory. This age group may want to be treated like an adult one day, yet the next be reassured like a young child. One day they may seem devastated by their loss, but the next say it is no big deal. One of the developmental tasks of adolescence is to establish independence, and adults should not insist that teenagers grieve in a certain way or within a certain time frame. Adolescents are far more likely than other age groups to withdraw and/or experience eating and sleeping difficulties. In addition, some adolescents may also act out their feelings in angry or anti-social ways. Adults and friends should offer to spend time with them, share feelings, and discuss questions about the loss.

Young adults who had strong bonds with a pet throughout their childhood may find that the death of that pet truly represents the end of an era for them. Young adults may feel guilty for abandoning their pets by leaving home to attend college, work or get married. They may feel they were not there when their pet may have needed them the most. They may also fear that their pet's died feeling angry at them for being gone. Young adults should be reassured and provided with opportunities to discuss and resolve their feelings of grief and guilt.

Continue »